I took Boyfriend to the Emergency Room last night because he was vomiting up vast quantities of what I thought was blood but actually it was just Craisins. You guys, if you feel like you may become violently ill in the near future, stay away from red food. Failure to do so may create an atmosphere of unnecessary panic and chaos.
Anyway, the doctor wanted to make sure that Boyfriend didn't have SARS or stomach AIDS or something, so he had to poke him a lot. While he was doing this to Boyfriend, he pointed to a little reference chart on the wall and asked Boyfriend to rate his pain::
Anyway, the doctor wanted to make sure that Boyfriend didn't have SARS or stomach AIDS or something, so he had to poke him a lot. While he was doing this to Boyfriend, he pointed to a little reference chart on the wall and asked Boyfriend to rate his pain::
You've probably seen some version of that chart before. You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you. Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:0: Haha! I'm not wearing any pants!2: Awesome! Someone just offered me a free hot dog!4: Huh. I never knew that about giraffes.6: I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now? I'm bored. 8: The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it. This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.10:You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying! None of that is medically useful and it doesn't even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:
7: I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared. 8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help.9: I am almost definitely dying.10: I am actively being mauled by a bear.11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola. It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.
I'm totally bringing this to my migraine doctor Friday...perfectly descriptive :) Made me laugh uncontrollably even though I was at a 6.
ReplyDeleteThis chart is actually accurate! Docs in hospital keep telling me "there is no 12" and I screamed there was! I think it is because most health professionals have never suffered from a chronic or severe condition before. I am sending this to all my friends who get Twelves!
ReplyDeleteDamn! That's useful. And so much morre realistic than the crap floating around in ER's.
ReplyDeleteThis is epic. My husband is printing it out to take to the office, to share with all the other migraineurs.
ReplyDeleteI have never been to your blog before but I have a crush on you based on this blog. So. Freaking. Funny. LOVE!
ReplyDeleteDuring my last ear infection, the doctor asked me how bad it hurt. Compared to giving birth a kidney stones, I said 4. When he talked about sticking a needle in my ear to relieve the pain, I got very excited about it. My husband and my doctor exchanged a weird look. I didn't understand it at the time. Now it makes perfect sense... According to your chart I should have said my pain is an 8.
ReplyDeleteI have *multiple* chronic pain issues, and have always hated these stupid charts. Your new one kicks all kind of ass. It just plain rocks. I've experienced the level 12 business- lets just say that shattering your hip is definitely a 12 and leave out the many cuss words I normally think of at the same time thoughts of that incident pass through my mind. Any time a steady stream of dilaudid and fentanyl keeps a person at an 8, you know it's not pretty. But while I'm utterly capable of smiling while in pain, I can smile and laugh right up to an 8. Comes from living every day at an average of 5.5. If I stopped smiling every time it hurt, I would never smile. So those stupid smiley faces make me want to punch people. Alas, going around punching out the stupid docs who are supposed to give me pain drugs is likely not a good idea.
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost, this made me laugh so hard that I'm counting it as my workout for the day. In fact, since it's 12:43 AM, I'm calling it my workout for yesterday too.You should get grant money for this. It's a friggin public service. I just spent the last week of med school learning everything about diarrhea. This alone made up for the complete lack of funny in that week. Surely there is a ginormous government grant available for maintaining the sanity of medical students. I totally feel you and Boyfriend with the Craisins. One time I thought I had colon cancer but really I had just eaten way too much red velvet cake in a short period of time. So I like to think it's a common error.I love asking patients to rate their pain on a scale from 1 to 10; the looks they give me are ALMOST as good as the ones I get when I ask "how would you describe your pain"? (The number one response to that: "It hurts.") But this is important stuff for doctors to find out. Even though it's pretty freaking lame. I have always felt the need to be a smart ass and respond with "ummm, 5.2 maybe?" Take that pain scale. That's probably why karma always sticks me with the "it hurts" patients.
ReplyDeleteHaha, I'm in medical school right now, and the pain scale is one of the things we're taught to ask in taking a history of present illness. I got to that part of my practical exam yesterday and cracked up laughing in the middle of the exam room. Other students probably thought I was nuts, this pain scale is awesome :)
ReplyDeleteSooo good, I coined a new acronym just for you: ROFLACUB ( Rolling on Floor Laughing And Coughing Up Blood) :)
ReplyDeleteit's not just that there is a disconnect between the faces and the words on the original chart. I mean, if the doctor is showing me this, I'm obviously already in the doctor's office. I'm not going in for a pain I can smile through. I regularly suffer headaches I'd rank a 10 on their scale. Pain elsewhere doesn't really bother me, I'm not likely to seek medical attention until it's a 5 or so on their scale. If I'm in the emergency room, it must already be worse than a 5 and/or fluids are escaping somehow. Anything less and I would have waited until the McHMO could make an appointment next Tuesday during regular office hours. So give me tests/drugs and a bed upstairs, STAT!
ReplyDeleteThis is SO going to work with me! : D
ReplyDeleteI was in a bad car accident last summer, and when you're in ICU they ask you every six hours what your pain level is. My Boyfriend linked me to this, since this is pretty much what my mental chart was.Definitely printing this out for my doctors now. Super hilarious.
ReplyDelete*cries laughing*Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes - I think I need to print this out and take it to my doctor.
ReplyDeleteI am printing out this pain chart and taping it to the white board in my EMT class. <3
ReplyDeleteOMG that is brilliant. I cried with laughter for about 5 minutes straight! You genuinely brightened my day - thankyou so much! I am so printing it out and giving it to my SO - currently a junior doctor who agrees that the current pain chart sucks. Peace,AJ:)
ReplyDeleteyeah, my sister just sent this to me. and i just passed it along to my fiance. hilarious. thanks for the NEW rating system. it's MUCH better.
ReplyDeleteWhat? Create an arousal AND a depression chart? Why waste the time when one chart pull double duty on that front?Don't judge me...my neuroses are a model of efficiency.
ReplyDeleteThis F'n rocks. I am laughing AND crying at the same time. Can we get a face for that? Love this!
ReplyDeleteYou need to patent this shit - I'm totally printing it out and taking it to my specialist appointments. And kicking myself for not thinking of drawing something similar sooner. I'm actually cracking up despite cramps that rate a 6 or so. You rock.
ReplyDeleteI just happened to stumble across this post today and I'm laughing so hard I'm at least at Level Six on your improved pain chart. Level Seven is definitely my favorite. I'll have to be sure to show this to the people at my local pain clinic!
ReplyDelete75% of all doctors and 100% of all nurses to whom this pain chart was shown laughed until either tears or a little bit of pee came out. Congratulations.
ReplyDeleteold RN said... There is nothing more fun than having some smart ass M.D. as a patient and pulling out the good ole pain chart to help them describe thier pain. Makes the shift go lots faster....espcially if he happens to be a short nuerologist....
ReplyDeleteThis should be in every doctors office, it would have been useful yesterday with my brother after getting knocked off his bike...without context he started treating the question like "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Try and guess!"
ReplyDeleteOMG! I got to # 7 and started falling off my chair, whilst stamping my feet and laughing so hard that my son kept telling me to breath, just breath. I just found you via your Alots and I love you, I really, really love you.
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