Friday, April 30, 2010

How to Make Showering Awesome Again


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Here at Sueeve, we understand that showering can be one of the most boring, shame and confusion-filled parts of your day and we've made it our mission to fix that!  

-- If the mere sight of a loofah sends you into a gender-confusion-driven, psychotic rage, you need the Shower Hammer!


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You no longer have to endure the fluffy, girly bullshit of loofahs.  Fuck loofahs.  The Shower Hammer makes you clean with violence!  


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-- Another common problem faced by men the world over is that of smelling like something that isn't awesome enough.  We all know that coconut smells great, but have you ever seen a coconut burst into flames from sheer excellence?  No, you haven't.  That's why we've created the most comprehensive collection of badass aromas ever. 


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-- If you are driven to psychological meltdown by the sheer variety of hygiene products available to you, you may want to consider our brand new nine-in-one shower companion!  It not only cleans you, conditions you and helps your razor glide smoothly over your face, it also keeps you company, provides a ready source of nutrients should you be stranded in the shower for any length of time and calms your nerves with a homeopathic antidepressant.  It's basically everything you will ever need in one bottle.  


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-- Does your razor resemble some sort of contraption from the dark ages?  Do you feel shame and anger every time you try to shave with such primitive technology?  Do you feel that the number of blades on your current razor is entirely inadequate?  Well, guess what?  

LIGHTSPEED 3000!!! The fastest razor with the most blades ever! 


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-- If you've ever wished that your showers were more reminiscent of caged death-matches, then you might be interested in our Gladiator Genie Soap!  Gladiator Genie Soap works just like regular soap, but it contains an evil spirit that will attack you mercilessly as soon as it is summoned


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When you begin lathering up, the friction you create will summon the genie contained within the soap.  The genie will attempt to crush you with its teeth and/or defeat you with magic.  If you want to survive, you must fight the genie to the death.  

So if you want to turn your showers from a chore into a multi-sensory, life-or-death adventure, be sure to check out Sueeve products at your local grocery


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Thursday, April 29, 2010

Keprihatinan Setelah UN 2010

SEORANG murid Sekolah Menengah Atas (SMA) bunuh diri di Jambi. Ratusan pelajar mengamuk dengan cara merusak sekolah mereka di Maluku Utara. Dua peristiwa itu terjadi setelah hasil Ujian Nasional SMA/MA/SMK diumumkan. Siswa yang bunuh diri dan yang mengamuk itu adalah bagian dari mereka yang dinyatakan tidak lulus.

Menurut evaluasi Departemen Pendidikan Nasional, ada 267 SMA/MA/SMK --terdiri atas 51 sekolah negeri dan 216 sekolah swasta-- yang tak ada satu pun siswanya lulus Ujian Nasional 2010. Atau, setidaknya, 7.648 dari 16.467 peserta UN SMA/MA/SMK di Tanah Air yang tidak lulus Hasil UN 2010 dan harus mengikuti ujian ulangan.

Menurut evaluasi tersebut, sekolah dengan angka kelulusan nol persen terbanyak terdapat di Kalimantan Timur yakni 39 sekolah (1.158 siswa), Sulawesi Tenggara 26 sekolah (768 siswa), Kalimantan Tengah 20 sekolah (701 siswa), Maluku Utara 20 sekolah (597 siswa).

Secara sekilas, angka-angka statistik itu mungkin tak berarti apa-apa bagi banyak orang. Ia hanya menunjukkan tentang berapa siswa yang berhasil dan berapa yang gagal.

Namun jadi masalah antara hidup dan mati ketika dihadapkan pada seorang siswa yang tak mampu menanggulangi perasaannya, sehingga ia memutuskan untuk mengakhiri hidup sebagaimana yang terjadi di Jambi.

Angka itu juga jadi pemicu kemarahan yang berujung pada pengrusakan, manakala para pelajar tak siap menerima kenyataan bahwa dirinya gagal, sebagaimana terjadi di Maluku Utara.

Orang boleh saja menyatakan bahwa apa yang terjadi di Jambi dan Maluku Utara hanya ekses. Hanya satu dua kasus. Ya, dibanding 7.648 siswa yang tidak lulus, maka satu siswa yang bunuh diri, dan seratusan yang mengamuk, mungkin tak berarti apa-apa. Namun, apa pun dalihnya, nyawa seorang manusia terlalu berharga untuk ditukar dengan nilai kelulusan.

Para penentu kebijakan pendidikan boleh beragumentasi dan berdebat panjang mengenai pentingnya standardisasi mutu hasil pendidikan dalam upaya menyetarakan diri dengan tantangan dan kemajuan zaman. Namun kenyataan di lapangan, persoalan dasar terkait peningkatan mutu pendidikan tidaklah serentak dilakukan.

Demi menjaga mutu, pelaksanaan UN tak ubahnya sebagai peristiwa genting sehingga perlu pengawalan dan pengawasan polisi, sejak dari pengiriman berkas sampai ke pelaksanaan ujian. Unsur pendidikan, tiba-tiba jadi kegiatan yang rentan tindak kriminal, sehingga perlu kehadiran aparat hukum. Hasilnya, sebagaimana kita ketahui bersama, hampir separo atau 46 persen lebih peserta UN tidak lulus!

Angka statistik kelulusan itu juga menunjukkan, bahwa sekolah di luar Jawa tidak bisa mengejar yang di Jawa. Hasil UN itu hanya memperteguh kenyataan bahwa pembangunan di luar Jawa tetap tertinggal. Bahwa kesenjangan antara Jawa dan luar Jawa tetap menganga.

Satu dasawarsa setelah reformasi, tak tampak ada perubahan penting yang mempersempit celah kesenjangan itu. Kaum terdidik dan para elite jauh lebih sibuk mengurusi kepentingan diri, kelompok, dan golongannya. Melupakan aspek terpenting dalam kelangsungan alih generasi bangsa ini.

Pendidikan dan berbagai aspeknya tampaknya diletakkan pada porsi yang biasa-biasa saja sebagaimana bidang lain. Ia tidak dilihat sebagai unsur terpenting dalam menyiapkan masa depan bangsa ini ke dalam kehidupan yang jauh lebih baik, bersih, dan beradab.

Padahal semestinya kita kembali pada kesepakatan awal, bahwa pendidikan dilakukan demi membangun generasi baru yang cerdas dan berbudi pekerti luhur. Pendikan bukan semata-mata jadi instrumen pencapaian strata untuk setara dengan kebutuhan kapital, pasar bebas, persaingan bisnis antarnegara yang sama sekali tak memerlukan budi pekerti. (*)

Watch Live West Indies vs Ireland ICC Twenty20 Cricket World Cup Live Streaming Online Here

Test/Odi's
European Union

Test Series and all ODI's .


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Match scheduled:
Dated: 30-04-2010
Stated : from 21:00 until 01:00 (GMT/UK)

Group Stage 
ICC World Twenty20 West Indies 2010
British West Indies, Carribean

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Test/Odi's
European Union

Test Series and all ODI's .

New Zealand vs Sri Lanka




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Match scheduled:
Dated: 30-04-2010
Stated : from 17:00 until 21:00 (GMT/UK)

Group Stage 
ICC World Twenty20 West Indies 2010
British West Indies, Carribean

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Multitasking the Android Way

[This post is by Dianne Hackborn, a Software Engineer who sits very near the exact center of everything Android. — Tim Bray]


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Android is fairly unique in the ways it allows multiple applications to run at the same time. Developers coming from a different platform may find the way it operates surprising. Understanding its behavior is important for designing applications that will work well and integrate seamlessly with the rest of the Android platform. This article covers the reasons for Android's multitasking design, its impact on how applications work, and how you can best take advantage of Android's unique features.

Design considerations

Mobile devices have technical limitations and user experience requirements not present in desktop or web systems. Here are the four key constraints we were working under as we designed Android's multitasking:


  • We did not want to require that users close applications when "done" with them. Such a usage pattern does not work well in a mobile environment, where usage tends to involve repeated brief contact with a wide variety of applications throughout the day.


  • Mobile devices don't have the luxury of swap space, so have fairly hard limits on memory use. Robert Love has a very good article covering the topic.


  • Application switching on a mobile device is extremely critical; we target significantly less than 1 second to launch a new application. This is especially important when the user is switching between a few applications, such as switching to look at a new SMS message while watching a video, and then returning to that video. A noticeable wait in such situations will quickly make users hate you.


  • The available APIs must be sufficient for writing the built-in Google applications, as part of our "all applications are created equal" philosophy. This means background music playback, data syncing, GPS navigation, and application downloading must be implemented with the same APIs that are available to third party developers.


The first two requirements highlight an interesting conflict. We don't want users to worry about closing their apps, but rather make it appear that all of the applications are always running. At the same time, mobile devices have hard limits on memory use, so that a system will degrade or even start failing very quickly as it needs more RAM than is available; a desktop computer, with swap, in contrast will simply start slowing down as it needs to page RAM to its swap space. These competing constraints were a key motivation for Android's design.

When does an application "stop"?

A common misunderstanding about Android multitasking is the difference between a process and an application. In Android these are not tightly coupled entities: applications may seem present to the user without an actual process currently running the app; multiple applications may share processes, or one application may make use of multiple processes depending on its needs; the process(es) of an application may be kept around by Android even when that application is not actively doing something.

The fact that you can see an application's process "running" does not mean the application is running or doing anything. It may simply be there because Android needed it at some point, and has decided that it would be best to keep it around in case it needs it again. Likewise, you may leave an application for a little bit and return to it from where you left off, and during that time Android may have needed to get rid of the process for other things.

A key to how Android handles applications in this way is that processes don't shut down cleanly. When the user leaves an application, its process is kept around in the background, allowing it to continue working (for example downloading web pages) if needed, and come immediately to the foreground if the user returns to it. If a device never runs out of memory, then Android will keep all of these processes around, truly leaving all applications "running" all of the time.

Of course, there is a limited amount of memory, and to accommodate this Android must decide when to get rid of processes that are not needed. This leads to Android's process lifecycle, the rules it uses to decide how important each process is and thus the next one that should be dropped. These rules are based on both how important a process is for the user's current experience, as well as how long it has been since the process was last needed by the user.

Once Android determines that it needs to remove a process, it does this brutally, simply force-killing it. The kernel can then immediately reclaim all resources needed by the process, without relying on that application being well written and responsive to a polite request to exit. Allowing the kernel to immediately reclaim application resources makes it a lot easier to avoid serious out of memory situations.

If a user later returns to an application that's been killed, Android needs a way to re-launch it in the same state as it was last seen, to preserve the "all applications are running all of the time" experience. This is done by keeping track of the parts of the application the user is aware of (the Activities), and re-starting them with information about the last state they were seen in. This last state is generated each time the user leaves that part of the application, not when it is killed, so that the kernel can later freely kill it without depending on the application to respond correctly at that point.

In some ways, Android's process management can be seen as a form of swap space: application processes represent a certain amount of in-use memory; when memory is low, some processes can be killed (swapped out); when those processes are needed again, they can be re-started from their last saved state (swapped in).

Explicitly running in the background

So far, we have a way for applications to implicitly do work in the background, as long as the process doesn't get killed by Android as part of its regular memory management. This is fine for things like loading web pages in the background, but what about features with harder requirements? Background music playback, data synchronization, location tracking, alarm clocks, etc.

For these tasks, the application needs a way to tell Android "I would explicitly like to run at this point." There are two main facilities available to applications for this, represented by two kinds of components they can publish in their manifest: broadcast receivers and services.

Broadcast Receivers

A BroadcastReceiver allows an application to run, for a brief amount of time, in the background as a result of something else happening. It can be used in many ways to build higher-level facilities: for example the AlarmManager allows an application to have a broadcast sent at a certain time in the future, and the LocationManager can send a broadcast when it detects interesting changes in location. Because information about the receiver is part of an application's manifest, Android can find and launch the application even if it isn't running; of course if it already has its process available in the background, the broadcast can very efficiently be directly dispatched to it.

When handling a broadcast, the application is given a fixed set of time (currently 10 seconds) in which to do its work. If it doesn't complete in that time, the application is considered to be misbehaving, and its process immediately tossed into the background state to be killed for memory if needed.

Broadcast receivers are great for doing small pieces of work in response to an external stimulus, such as posting a notification to the user after being sent a new GPS location report. They are very lightweight, since the application's process only needs to be around while actively receiving the broadcast. Because they are active for a deterministic amount of time, fairly strong guarantees can be made about not killing their process while running. However they are not appropriate for anything of indeterminate length, such as networking.

Services

A Service allows an application to implement longer-running background operations. There are actually a lot of other functions that services provide, but for the discussion here their fundamental purpose is for an application to say "hey I would like to continue running even while in the background, until I say I am done." An application controls when its service runs by explicitly starting and stopping the service.

While services do provide a rich client-server model, its use is optional. Upon starting an application's services, Android simply instantiates the component in the application's process to provide its context. How it is used after that is up to the application: it can put all of the needed code inside of the service itself without interacting with other parts of the application, make calls on other singleton objects shared with other parts of the app, directly retrieve the Service instance from elsewhere if needed, or run it in another process and do a full-blown RPC protocol if that is desired.

Process management for services is different than broadcast receivers, because an unbounded number of services can ask to be running for an unknown amount of time. There may not be enough RAM to have all of the requesting services run, so as a result no strong guarantees are made about being able to keep them running.

If there is too little RAM, processes hosting services will be immediately killed like background processes are. However, if appropriate, Android will remember that these services wish to remain running, and restart their process at a later time when more RAM is available. For example, if the user goes to a web page that requires large amounts of RAM, Android may kill background service processes like sync until the browser's memory needs go down.

Services can further negotiate this behavior by requesting they be considered "foreground." This places the service in a "please don't kill" state, but requires that it include a notification to the user about it actively running. This is useful for services such as background music playback or car navigation, which the user is actively aware of; when you're playing music and using the browser, you can always see the music-playing glyph in the status bar. Android won't try to kill these services, but as a trade-off, ensures the user knows about them and is able to explicitly stop them when desired.

The value of generic components

Android's generic broadcast receiver and service components allow developers to create a wide variety of efficient background operations, including things that were never originally considered. In Android 1.0 they were used to implement nearly all of the background behavior that the built-in and proprietary Google apps provided:


  • Music playback runs in a service to allow it to continue operating after the user leaves the music application.


  • The alarm clock schedules a broadcast receiver with the alarm manager, to go off at the next set alarm time.


  • The calendar application likewise schedules an alarm to display or update its notification at the appropriate time for the next calendar event.


  • Background file download is implemented a service that runs when there are any downloads to process.


  • The e-mail application schedules an alarm to wake up a service at regular intervals that looks for and retrieves any new mail.


  • The Google applications maintain a service to receive push notifications from the network; it in turn sends broadcasts to individual apps when it is told that they need to do things like synchronize contacts.


As the platform has evolved, these same basic components have been used to implement many of the major new developer features:


  • Input methods are implemented by developers as a Service component that Android manages and works with to display as the current IME.


  • Application widgets are broadcast receivers that Android sends broadcasts to when it needs to interact with them. This allows app widgets to be quite lightweight, by not needing their application's process remain running.


  • Accessibility features are implemented as services that Android keeps running while in use and sends appropriate information to about user interactions.


  • Sync adapters introduced in Android 2.0 are services that are run in the background when a particular data sync needs to be performed.


  • Live wallpapers are a service started by Android when selected by the user.


More Blogginess

Hello everyone, and welcome to a rare (in this space) blog about blogging. My name is Tim Bray, and I’m the new editor of this Android Developers’ Blog. I am only a student of Android, but I’m a veteran blogger, I’m part of the Android team, and they’ve given me a pretty free hand to find and publish the interesting stories. I’m expecting to enjoy this and hope you will too.

The work on Android is done at various places around the world, but in Mountain View, California there’s a building on the Google campus with an Android statue in front of it, positioned among dessert-themed sculptures that illustrate the major platform releases to date.


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As of now, this blog has a header image taken from where some of the Android work happens, behind the statuary looking out. There are a ton of places on the Internet where you can read people’s opinions about what’s happening next with Android, and a lot of them are good. The one you’re reading now is the one that’s written from the inside looking out.

History

This space has been used mostly in a just-the-facts press-release-flavored way and, while that’s been useful, I thought it could be livelier. Because, even after only a few weeks’ exposure to what’s going on here, I’ve discovered that there are a ton of interesting Android stories, and while some of them probably have to be secrets, there are more than enough we can tell to crank up the interest level here.

I offered this opinion internally, loudly and repeatedly, and Android management surprised me by coming back with “OK, it’s your problem now.”

Future

I’m not going to write everything here; I’m going to track down the people who actually do the creative Android-building work and get them to tell their own stories. I will bend over backward to make sure the articles have the voices of the people who write them.

We will go on being a source for hard opinion-free just-the-facts Android news. But I’d like to surround each burst of that with a cluster of reportage about what it means and how we think it will affect the Android communities.

The immediate future is going to be pretty intense, because we’re only a few weeks away from Google I/O, and I don’t think that I’m telling any secrets when I say that there will be Android-related announcements at that event. So the problems that come with the new job probably won’t include scaring up content.

The first new-flavor post is going to be on a currently-hot subject, multitasking and background processing, written by an engineer at the center of the Android universe.

Wish me luck, and stay tuned!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Film Cowboys in Paradise Download Full

Film tentang gigolo bertajuk Cowboys in Paradise membuat komponen pariwisata gerah. Satgas Pantai Kuta menggelar sidak menyisir orang-orang yang dicurigai berprofesi sebagai gigolo.

"Seluruh komponen anggota Satgas Pantai Kuta sidak di pantai," kata Ketua Satgas Pantai Kuta Gusti Ngurah Tresna, kepada detikcom, Senin (26/4/2010).

Anggota Satgas yang dilibatkan terdiri dari tiga regu. Mereka terdiri dari anggota satgas yang bertugas malam dan siang hari. Sidak ini dilakukan untuk memeriksa para pedagang atau warga pantai Kuta yang tidak memiliki identitas.

"Kita ingin mempersempit peluang mereka melakukan hal-hal yang mengganggu pariwisata Kuta," kata Tresna.

Disebutkan, di pantai Kuta terdapat sekitar 1.100 para pedagang yang sehari-hari membuka usaha di pantai. Mereka dilengkapi dengan identitas.

Satgas Pantai Kuta tak hanya hari ini saja menggelar sidak. Mereka rutin melakukannya untuk menata para pedagang.

"Sidak sesuai situasi di lapangan. Kalau ada yang tidak membawa identitas kita serahkan ke Linmas," katanya.

Meskipun rutin menggelar sidak, Satgas Pantai Kuta belum pernah menangkap orang yang berprofesi sebagai gigolo. Namun, orang-orang yang tidak memiliki pekerjaan di pantai Kuta kadang menyamar sebagai wisatawan.

"Mereka umumnya tinggal di bedeng tetapi mengaku berlibur. Ini kan tidak rasional," kata Tresna.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Kerusuhan Batam Takkan Ganggu Investasi

Pemerintah yakin kerusuhan di Batam tidak akan berbuntut panjang dan mengganggu investasi. Menko Perekonomian Hatta Rajasa menilai, persoalan tersebut merupakan masalah internal dan akan diselesaikan oleh perusahaan tersebut.

"Ini (kerusuhan Batam) lebih kepada persoalan perusahaan, tidak persoalan-persoalan yang katakanlah ketegangan aturan," ujar Hatta, di sela-sela jumpa pers di Gedung Menko Perekonomian, Jumat (23/4/2010) .

Ia menjelaskan, kerusuhan yang terjadi di Batam pada Kamis kemarin telah dapat diatasi. Sejauh ini, pihak manajemen perusahaan telah melakukan koordinasi dengan Kementrian Tenaga Kerja dan Transmigrasi dan melakukan langkah-langkah untuk menyelesaikan masalah ini.

Meski akar permasalahan ini disebabkan oleh persoalan internal perusahaan, namun pemerintah akan turun tangan untuk memberi penjelasan atas permasalahan yang ada kepada para investor. Tujuannya, agar kepercayaan para investor tetap terjaga dan mereka tetap mau menanamkan modalnya di Indonesia.

"Akan tetapi kita perlu jelaskan, jangan karena persoalan ini 'Wah di Indonesia (kalau) investasi gini-gini'," ujarnya mengira-ngira peryataan yang akan dilontarkan para investor, terkait permasalahan tersebut.

Sementara terkait dengan keberadaan sekitar 100 tenaga kerja asing yang bekerja di perusahaan tersebut, Hatta menyatakan, saat ini mereka telah diselamatkan oleh pihak berwajib.

"Apakah mereka legal semua, sudah ada laporan semua itu legal, semua yang bersurat izin. Apakah sudah keluar dari Indonesia, saya detil tidak tahu. Mereka keluar (lokasi) diamankan, bukan mengungsi," papar Hatta.

Di sisi lain, Hatta juga menghimbau agar para media, khususnya media elektronik, tidak melakukan siaran berulang-ulang kerusuhan tersebut. Pasalnya, tayangan tersebut dikhawatirkan akan memengaruhi pandangan investor asing terhadap kondisi di Indonesia.

"Kita berharap tivi kita tidak menyiarkan terus-terusan. Ini kan ditonton di mana-mana juga. Di Singapura, Malaysia, di belahan dunia manapun," tandasnya.

Sebelumnya, bentrokan antara pekerja dengan manajemen PT Drydock World Graha bermula dari umpatan seorang supervisor India perusahaan tersebut, Werindra, kepada foreman yang berkembangsaan Indonesia. Werindra mengatakan, "All Indonesia are stupid."

Dikabarkan 36 mobil rusak berat, 17 diantaranya dibakar massa yang mengamuk. Kantor perusahaan asal Dubai itu juga di bakar massa. Selain itu, gudang perusahaan yang terletak di Tanjunguncang juga ikut menjadi sasaran amuk massa hingga dibakar.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I'm Definitely Not Dead

I woke up really early on Wednesday morning for no reason.  In retrospect, I can see it was probably my body's way of telling me that I might die later that day, so I better get the hell up and start enjoying the shit out of life.

My life that morning was not particularly enjoyable.  I felt like my internal organs had been punched by someone who is really enthusiastic about punching and therefore punches a lot.  In fact, they love punching so much that when they finished punching my internal organs, they moved on to punching my skin and all my muscles and also my eyes.


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I don't own an accurate thermometer, but I once calibrated the thermometer I own using an accurate thermometer.


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The thermometer read 102.3, so by my calculations, I was running a fever of about 103.5.  I took a couple aspirin and tried to get some work done.  That's when I wrote/illustrated this post.  I may have also responded to a few emails.  If you got an email from me last Wednesday that didn't make a lot of sense, I apologize.  I wasn't drunk.  I was just very ill.  

I eventually gave up on trying to be responsible and just sat on the couch staring off into space really intensely. 


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That evening, my friend called to ask me if I'd like to meet her and another friend for drinks.  I didn't feel much like drinking, but I was feeling a little better and I'm almost tragically impulsive, so I was like "heck yeah I'll meet you guys for drinks!" Then I staggered into the bathroom to try and clean myself up enough to go out in public.  


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At the bar, I ordered tea because I was really, really cold and even though I'm impulsive and irresponsible, I know enough not to complicate illnesses with alcohol.  The bartender looked at me like I was the first person ever to order raspberry tea in a bar.  

I was able to enjoy my tea for approximately five minutes before I started to feel emergency-nauseous and had to run to the bathroom. The next little bit is kind of a blur for me. I know that I passed out in the bathroom. I don't know how long I was out, but my first thought upon waking was "OH MY GOD I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR!!!!!! I KNEW IT!!!"


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I knew I should probably go to the hospital, but I'm still too poor for insurance, so I tried to convince myself that I was okay and I should just crawl home and sleep it off.  I tried to stand up, but I ended up head-butting the wall and crumpling to the floor again.  I lay there on the ground staring at some graffiti that just said "poop poop poop poop poop."  I started wondering whether that would be the last thing I ever saw.  It was a depressing thought for a few reasons.  

After several more unsuccessful attempts at getting to my feet, I finally made it.  I used this as an excuse to not go to the hospital.  "Hey, look at me!" I thought.  "I'm doing great!  


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I staggered out of the bathroom and toward my friends.  I remember my limbs making all sorts of spastic movements as I tried to glide along and look like nothing was wrong.  I ran into the wall and ricocheted off into the other wall.   It felt like I was competing against my need to go to the hospital:  if I could stay upright, it meant I was fine and goddamn it, I was not about to lose that game and give up the entirety my newfound income just to make sure I wasn't dying.  

I finally made it back to the bar and collapsed onto it.  That's when I lost the game and decided to go to the hospital because I was legitimately scared of dying.  That's also where things get hazy again.  I remember the next 20 minutes in little clips.  There's me lying face down in a puddle on the bar, blowing little bubbles in it while trying to breathe.  Then I'm being carried out of the bar.  Then I'm being driven to the hospital.  I was breathing really fast; I remember that because once we got to the hospital, the intake nurse kept yelling at me to slow down my breathing and I couldn't.  My entire body was shaking convulsively and I felt more cold than I have ever felt in my life.  My blood pressure was 70/35.  When I caught a glimpse of those little numbers on the screen, I immediately regretted ever knowing anything about medicine because my knowledge only contributed to making me feel positive that I was going to die.  "Well," I thought, "this is it.  My last words are going to be 'fuck you, I can't breathe any slower!'"  It was all very dramatic.  

 

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As is often the case with medical emergencies, it was not immediately apparent what was wrong with me, so the doctor called for tests. Lots and lots of tests.  

Blood samples are easy because they are passive.  You just lie there and let the nurses stick needles in you until they are done.  But urine tests require your active participation.  When you are in the throes of death like I was, providing a urine specimen is a veritable quest.  I could have rewritten The Iliad about my experience peeing into a cup.  

I was still having a lot of trouble maintaining consciousness, so the doctor had to supervise me in the restroom.   

I knew I had reached a pretty low point in my life.  There I was, halfway unconscious on a toilet; trying my hardest to pee into a tiny plastic cup and not on my own hand or the floor.  It sounds like a very simple goal to accomplish, but it isn't. I was crying quietly and drooling on myself.  I didn't even care that a stranger was standing there watching the whole pathetic situation. In that moment, I had no dignity.



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Despite my herculean efforts, the urine test didn't tell them anything.  The blood test showed a slightly high white blood cell count, but other than that, it was normal.  The only thing that even hinted at what could be wrong with me was my heart.  After looking at my EKG, the doctor was like "Your heart is being weird." And I was like "Why is it doing that?"  And the doctor was all "I don't know."  

Four hours later, I wasn't dead and the doctors still couldn't figure out what was going on, so they sent me home.    

As I'm sure is the case with many of you, I walk that thin line between hypochondriac and a normal level of concern about my health.  So when I go through a terrifying medical saga only to come out the other side with a tentative diagnosis of "weird heart," I panic a little.  

The past week has basically just been a string of moments in which I feel almost positive that I'm going to die.  


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I still don't know what is wrong with me, but I'm definitely not dead and I'm feeling a lot better, so that's good.  


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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Alot is Better Than You at Everything

As a grammatically conscientious person who frequents internet forums and YouTube, I have found it necessary to develop a few coping mechanisms.  When someone types out "u" instead of "you," instead of getting mad, I imagine them having only one finger on each hand and then their actions seem reasonable.  If I only had one finger on each hand, I'd leave out unnecessary letters too!


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If I come across a person who seems to completely ignore the existence of apostrophes and capital letters and types things like "im an eagle and im typing with my talons, so dont make fun of me cuz this is hard," I like to imagine that they actually are an eagle typing with their talons.  It would be a hassle if you had to hop in the air and use your feet to karate-chop two keys simultaneously every time you wanted to use the shift key to make a capital letter.   Also, eagles lack manual dexterity, so I can understand why they'd want to leave out apostrophes.  Eagles are all about efficiency.  


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But there is one grammatical mistake that I particularly enjoy encountering.  It has become almost fun for me to come across people who take the phrase "a lot" and condense it down into one word, because when someone says "alot," this is what I imagine:


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The Alot is an imaginary creature that I made up to help me deal with my compulsive need to correct other people's grammar.  It kind of looks like a cross between a bear, a yak and a pug, and it has provided hours of entertainment for me in a situation where I'd normally be left feeling angry and disillusioned with the world.  

For example, when I read the sentence "I care about this alot," this is what I imagine: 


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Similarly, when someone says "alot of _______", I picture an Alot made out of whatever they are talking about.  


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If someone says something like "I feel lonely alot" or "I'm angry alot," I'm going to imagine them standing there with an emo haircut, sharing their feelings with an Alot.  


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The Alot is incredibly versatile. 


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So the next time you are reading along and you see some guy ranting about how he is "alot better at swimming than Michael Phelps," instead of getting angry, you can be like "You're right!  Alots are known for their superior swimming capabilities."


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Saturday, April 10, 2010

Someone Should Probably Kill This Post With Fire

I put up a poll a couple days ago to try to gauge how you guys would feel about me putting a couple ads on my blog.  I allowed you to pick multiple answers, so the data might be skewed slightly, but even still, the results were a little surprising to me:


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Don't you think you guys are being a little melodramatic about this?  Did you know that 224 of you are dead now?  


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You should really try to die less easily.  

And to the 162 of you who are going to come to my house and kick me in the face (even though half of you are probably dead right now due to overlap in the results):  I'll be wearing a steel-reinforced hockey mask.   


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Anyway, the ads are up.  There are three of them.   I know next to nothing about SEO, so the ads that show up are going to be pretty random.   

And in case any of you are worried, this is as far as I'm going to go with monetization on this blog.  (I had to bold this next part because even after posting about this on Facebook, Twitter and my blog, I am still getting comments/emails about how I better not put pop-ups on my blog.) 


You will never see me write a paid review of anything.  I will never molest you with pop-ups or pop-unders or anything that flashes or moves or causes my page to freeze.  There will be no pop-ups or moving things.  None.  Ever.  

That little box of text in the sidebar is it.  That is what I was making a big deal about.  

That being said, I do want to make this whole advertising thing more entertaining for you guys.  So what I'm going to do is run AdSense until I can get some direct advertisers who will allow me to design my own ads.  So, direct advertisers, here is a sample of what I can do for you, based off of product-requests from my readers (via Twitter and Facebook): 


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While I recognize that I probably won't be getting advertising from Macintosh or Adobe Illustrator, it doesn't hurt to court them a little.  However, someone needs to take down Charmin Ultra because their thinly-veiled dingleberry jokes are getting kind of annoying.  


IN OTHER NEWS:  I haven't been posting as frequently.  You have probably noticed this.   I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up that crazy 7-day-a-week posting schedule I had going last month, but I think I can manage 3 or 4 posts a week pretty indefinitely once my life settles down a little.  So just in case you were worried, this lapse in posting doesn't mean my blog is in its death throes.  On the contrary, it means that my blog is doing so well that I've been too busy to write a post every single day.  

OH MY GOD THIS POST KEEPS GOING AND THERE REALLY ISN'T ANY CONTINUITY WHATSOEVER BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE GUESS WHAT?

SPAGHATTA NADLE! 

I have been inundated with emails about Spaghatta Nadle, so here you go, weirdos. 


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Spaghatta Nadle encounters the comments section of icanhascheezburger... 


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And now two guest strips by Boyfriend: 


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Okay.  This post was a monstrosity.  All the separate parts were okay, but when I put them together it just came out all weird.  Like putting A1 steak sauce on a banana.  


UPDATE:  I've been asked a few times about whether clicking the ads makes me money.  The answer is yes, but you can't just go clicking on every ad because you like me.  I wholeheartedly appreciate the sentiment, but Google classifies it as click-fraud and I'll get in trouble.  However, if you see something that interests you, feel free to take a look at it.