Most of the time, I'm pretty even-tempered. Aside from the odd nervous breakdown or caffeine-induced bliss-seizure, I have the emotional variation of sand. However, every once in a great while, I'll lapse into what I like to call a "sneaky hate spiral."
The buildup: Sneaky hate spirals begin simply enough. In fact, that is one of the hallmarks of sneaky hate spirals - they are merely the confluence of many unremarkable annoyances.
Your day begins poorly.
Before you've had a chance to recover from your unpleasant awakening, you are pummeled by a series of unfortunate events. There are probably some loud and/or persistent sounds mixed in there, too.
The little frustrations start to happen more quickly. They ping against your psyche like hundreds of tiny pebbles.
Eventually, the sum of the small annoyances begins to exceed your capacity for patience and rational thought. All it would take to send you over the edge into a bottomless pit of angry hysteria is just one more tiny, little thing...
The turning point:The turning point is usually a minor but slightly jarring incident, initiated by some force of nature that cannot be blamed or scolded - like gravity or sleeplessness or wind. That last specification is very important. In order to send you into truly batshit crazy hysterics, the final straw must cause anger that cannot rationally be directed outward in any way.
Your worn patience plus the inability to blame anything for your misery causes a chain reaction to take place inside of you.
The rage enters your body, but cannot exit through either the blame or personal responsibility pathways. It therefore must travel to the very center of you where it will fester and eventually rupture.
Chaos:
When enough anger and hatred has accumulated inside of you, it will rupture through your pathetic sense of integrity and start spewing outwardly as if you are some sort of rage sprinkler, spraying your putrid hate all over anything that comes near you.
You are officially out of control. At this late stage, there is no way around it. You are simply a helpless passenger in your psychotic war-machine of a body.
OMG - I was taking a big drink of water and nearly lost it all when I came upon the picture of the cat's anus!And BTW, I HATE it when the Subway sandwich dude puts the cheese triangles on the wrong way!
ReplyDeleteThis is so utterly fucking amazing and hilariously true. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. BUT I AM ALSO RAGING!RAHHHHHH!!!
ReplyDeleteI take out my aggression by making fun of celebrities on Twitter - often times they reply.I just posted a story about how I goofed on Jackie Stallone.Yes, I pick on easy targets.
ReplyDeleteThis is so dead-on it shouldn't be funny but it is. Hysterically.Sometimes it gets even worse - I have too much of a sense of the ridiculous and always anger-cry, then someone asks what was wrong and I start laughing halfway through the story because I fully realize how stupid the whole thing is...Only I'm still angry and anyone laughing at my fury, even if it's me, makes me want to throw things.Fortunately my entire family is a little psycho and has days like this too so they understand me.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading this late, but thanks for the best birthday present evar! I'm currently experiencing a laughing fit break during a spiral rage. I think the spiral has been broken!
ReplyDeleteThis is the best blog entry that ever happened to me. No, seriously.
ReplyDeleteI'm having one of those today! Haven't gotten to the murderous rage yet, but now at least I know what it looks like. :o
ReplyDeleteIt has been a loooong time since i've laughed uncontrollably at anything. Your illustrations and your stories are effing HILARIOUS! I am so glad I found this site!
ReplyDeleteI did not authorize this biography, but at least you did an excellent job with my likeness. I expect a fair split with the royalties.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog (yay for facebook stalking -- someone told someone else about it and I noticed and was like, "oh herro what's this...oh herro it's AMAZING!" and started reading instead of...what was I doing before? Your facebook page also distracted me, because I wanted to know what was wrong. I'm very sorry to hear you are medically needy (because "sick" didn't seem like the right word?). My mom was in poor and diminishing health for a couple of years and finally this year got the heart+lung transplant that saved her life when she needed it most. I hope your saving medical act is on the horizon! Anyway, I'm definitely bookmarking this post to read when I'm having a shitastic day and need a smile. Thank you for creating it. Feel better! ~Sara
ReplyDeleteCOACH is a well-known brand Coach Outlet���Coach has all kinds of handbag designs Coach Handbags���All of these kind of Coach totes���The bow tie was find from ralph lauren polo��� This offer has no cash value ralph lauren outlet���There are also various types polo ralph lauren���The pocket is usually slanted lacoste polo���The signature of crocodile is Moncler jackets���This is of classic fit Moncler���As we supply great A quality Moncler coats���We thank you for your attention gold ghd���this was worn by ED Hardy���who work in japan. its original Discount ED Hardy���all the shoes from us ED Hardy Outlet
ReplyDeleteWow. That was hilarious. I was laughing so hard I cried. Unfortunately, they weren't all tears of joy -- I had a hernia repair operation a week ago, and laughing deeply still causes excruciating pain, kinda like having your insides ripped open. I wanted to stop reading, but I couldn't. You should put a doctor's warning on there or something. Keep up the good work, just please don't start making "get well soon" cards or people will suffer. :)
ReplyDeleteAwesome post!Has anyone found a solution though, how to snap out of this spiral?
ReplyDeleteThat was soooooooooooo funny, and I soooooooooo needed to laugh. I'm on day 3 as a non smoker, and it LOOKS like I'm doing great, but this pretty much perfectly describes my innards right now. Bless you, child, for you are a good egg. (Mona Lott is too wild to sign in)
ReplyDeleteEven though La Bamba is now running through my head, I LOVE this! Brilliant and sooo true.
ReplyDeleteO.M.G. I SERIOUSLY am CRYING that was so fucking funny!
ReplyDeleteThis is The Funniest Thing I've Ever seen, Thank you so much, from the bottom of my Hatred Purification and Amplification Center!!!
ReplyDeleteHaving had a similar week myself, and coming from the other side of the counter to all you cheese and dressing nazi's...Does it really fucking matter what the hell pattern the cheese goes in? or whether the sauce goes on the cheese or the salad since it gets mooshed together anyway? it still tastes the fucking same and you're lucky i don't throw it in your fucking face.
ReplyDeleteI love you!
ReplyDeleteWHY IS CHEESE TRIANGLE TESSELLATION SUCH A DIFFICULT CONCEPT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND?
ReplyDeleteEvery time I read I this I have to laugh out loud really really hard, in the for realsies LOL way.I <3 hyberboleandahalf! :)
ReplyDelete