When I woke up this morning, my house smelled like death and sadness. I walked into the kitchen and saw what appeared to be a piece of petrified wood sitting in a bowl on the counter. I was like "What is this thing?"
Boyfriend: "What thing?"
Me: "The thing in the bowl that kind of looks like petrified wood covered in human skin."
Boyfriend: "Oh, I accidentally left my oatmeal in the microwave for 20 minutes."
Me: "And the microwave was going the whole time?"
Boyfriend: "Yeah. I meant to set it for three minutes and thirty seconds, but I must have hit an extra zero. I took it out before it caught on fire, though."
Me: "You waited twenty minutes without thinking 'this is way longer than three minutes'"?
Boyfriend: "I just thought that I must have missed the beep and then I was like "meh, I'll get it later.'"
Me: "I guess that's understandable. Did you get breakfast?"
Boyfriend: "Yeah, I had a tortilla."
Sometimes I feel like Boyfriend and I are retarded cavemen. All of our friends are going about their lives as normal, well-adjusted adults who cook their meals and live in clean, well-decorated houses, while Boyfriend and I are sitting on the floor eating beans out of a can with spoons we made out of tinfoil because we can't find any of our real spoons.
We bought a toilet brush back in September with the intention of using it to clean our toilets, but it is still sitting in a corner, encased in shrink-wrap.
We always try to start being normal and responsible. Every week we have a little pow-wow and decide that we are really going to do it this time. We are really going to stop stuffing our candy bar wrappers in the couch cushions and we are really going to sweep the floor and scrub the toilets and clean things up when we spill them.
I keep hoping that one day we will magically morph into responsible adults like everyone else, but I'm pretty sure that we're going to either get eaten by wolves, become homeless or end up being featured on A&E's Hoarders. One of those. Possibly all of them. We will probably be the only homeless people ever to be shunned by the other hobos for our lack of organizational skills.
P.S. I want to sincerely thank all of the people who have been tweeting and emailing and stumbling and reblogging and Facebooking and Digging my posts. If things keep going like this, I might be able to spend the rest of my adult life drawing and writing stuff on the internet and then I never have to become a real adult! You have no idea how happy this would make me. I would be so happy that my body would probably explode but it would be okay because there'd be rainbows inside of me!
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. You are wonderful, crazy people.
"It's not oatmeal. It's oatmeal crisp"You may have stumbled onto General Mills secret.
ReplyDeleteI love the exploding rainbows. It is now my desktop background. Can you please make me a coffee mug and hoodie that say "I'm so happy I'm exploding rainbows." I promise I'll buy them!Thanks so much and I love your blog.BTW, I live in California but know the owners of the television stations in Butte, Bozeman and Missoula Montana. Are you anywhere near those DMAs?
ReplyDeleteFun fact- Smores Pop Tarts totally catch fire after being in a microwave for only 3 minutes! Which is awesome to find out at 2:00 AM when you decide to heat them up (and you might be just a little drunk) for 30 seconds, and hit the 0 an extra time. And, you're living in a dorm. And you set off the fire alarms. And the dorm gets evacuated. And it's snowing out. Did I mention it's 2:00 AM? Yeah, best way ever to become the most popular person in the dorm. Plus a $400 fine from the fire department.
ReplyDeleteNo, YOU'RE the wonderful, crazy one, we're just the stalkers.
ReplyDeleteThis is me and my boyfriend. Except we live in a van. With two other smelly musicians. But I'm glad you eat straight out of the can, too. That makes me feel so much better about me.
ReplyDeleteSee, this is why I love your blog. I always get to where I think it's just my boyfriend and me that are like this. But then I come here and I find out we are not the only retarded cavemen around and I feel much less alone. So thanks.
ReplyDeleteOh my God you are so freaking funny. This post is my life. Please do this for ever. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteIt's OK. Enjoy your freedom while you can Allie. One day your going to have to grow up and start eating in bowls instead of out of a can and brushing your hair and vacuuming but until then just go with the flow.
ReplyDeleteOh my lordy gosh. first - that was truly hilariously funny. Second, it was just damn right. My house is full of shit. But its my shit. I love, love, LOVE the blog. Keep on keeping on.Love, P.
ReplyDeleteGlad it's not just me that re-decides to be an adult every few days! I may even get around to paying my rent (due Mar 1) next week!BTW, I randomly did the spaghatti naadle voice for my cats tonight, and the looked at me like i was either a) totally psycho, or b) speaking the secrets of the universe.
ReplyDeleteDidn't want to be one of those random lurkers that peeks at your blog, giggles, gags, smiles (not necessarily in that order), so here I am, commenting on your post. Love your drawings and your writing! I hope you find a way to get paid for this! Real jobs suck!!
ReplyDeleteThe main problem with cleaning is that you have to keep doing it! Bah. overrated. And the next time all the spoons are dirty and I'm too lazy to turn on the dishwasher I'm totally breaking out the tinfoil. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteThank you for summing up our cohabitation and making me feel a little better about it.
ReplyDeleteWelp, I'm glad that someone else and their significant other do the whole 'manic cleaning and then never clean again' thing. I definitely feel less alone. And also I hope it makes YOU (and your boyfriend) feel better about your bizarre dinners when I tell you that when I'm too tired to make anything, I definitely just put Parmesan cheese on a Boboli and call it a day. That's a lie. Sometimes I make that when I'm not tired at all, even. Maybe 'lazy' is a better word. Whatever.
ReplyDeleteI am your Twin. Can we please be BFFs????
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean, like real people? Most people clean their homes? What are you talking about? I know not this theory.I am middle-aged and have 2 kids, and I still sit on the couch an awful lot.
ReplyDeleteLol, we do that, too. Today I seriously took out six bags of trash and twenty eight empty cases of beer. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteHahahah! I found you through a link on Balance in Bites' blog and you know what, I think I may be in love with you. & that was after only one post. Must put you in my google reader asap!I'm glad you didn't eat that oatmeal. It looks deadly :) I've totally been there with the whole extra zero thing. More like, switching from minutes to hours on the oven though. not good lol
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I totally lived like that before we were married. But then we got married and moved close to his family, and his sister, who is anal about keeping things clean. So I keep the house cleaner because I feel like an inadequate caveman next to her, but she still comes over and offers to clean. Meh. If she wants to, I don't stop her.
ReplyDeleteThis post made me so happy...my husband and I used to be like you guys, until we had a kid two years ago and became much much worse :) Oh wellz.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of our dish situation in the kitchen.We have so many dishes built up that our counter resembles a crude little city, so much I've turned our dish mess into a drama: DishCity. Occasionally the residents of DishCity are nearly wiped out in a freak cleaning disaster, but they're resilient. Within a week, the city is once again, thriving. And besides, that kind of disaster is like a once in a lifetime occurrence (in dish years). Right now for example, DishCity is an orderly and neat society. But one roasted chicken later, it gets distinctly urban. Because Los Angeles only wishes to recycle and conserve when its in public and there's a camera, we've discovered the "wrong side of the tracks" section of DishCity: Boxville.Boxville sounds like a nice play to visit, but in reality its just vacated structures with haphazard signage and graffiti spread about. DishCity residents generally ignore Boxville because it sits on the other side of the kitchen and poses no real threat.But...to our shock a few DishCity espresso cups moved into Boxville (ostensibly as slum lords) and taken up residence atop the highest of the structures in Boxville.I'm not sure how all of this will turn out, we fear for the worst.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh...it's like part of my mind escaped and wrote this post! 2 seconds before I stumbled upon this page, I was sitting here thinking "I should vacuum. I really need to vacuum.......I'll sit here on the couch for a few more minutes and think pleasant thoughts about vacuuming while I mindlessly troll the internet."
ReplyDeleteGood news! You're not the only couple to act like that! Yay!!
ReplyDeleteI am 17 and I really dont want to grow up... at all I plan to play in dirt until I am 80. And being an archaeology major this WILL happen. Anyway I just wanted to let you know, you are my hero. I am legit, no joke. I am going to spread you through Connecticut, Mississippi (where I am going to college, at least I have that much figured out), and Georgia. Beware. You may become famous. But yes. Hero. Don't forget!!!
ReplyDeleteThe things you mentioned are the reasons my husband will not agree to buy a house together. He thought I was going to change my messy ways, AND clean after him? HA!
ReplyDelete