Foot-in-mouth
You are having a great time, talking loudly, feeling like the life of the party. You are soaring on wings of confidence. You get a little too bold. Something offensive slips out.
Now everyone is staring at you and your confidence implodes like a punctured balloon. Suddenly you can't find anything to say. You are nothing. You are dirt. Your soul is soaking up shame like a sponge and you are beginning to weigh the value of your friendships against the magnitude of your embarrassment.
The Solution: Confuse...
... or redirect...
Getting caught staring
Sometimes you are ogling a pretty girl, sometimes you are trying to get a better look at a horribly misshapen person and sometimes you are just spacing out and your eyes happen to be pointing directly at someone.
Whatever the case, when you are caught, you will feel shame. Lots and lots of shame.
The Solution:
Encounters with close talkers
Conversations with close-talkers are usually only awkward on your end. They could be telling you about how they found ten miniature unicorns in their backyard and all you are thinking about is whether your breath stinks and exactly how to angle your head so that you aren't breathing on them, but it still kind of looks like you are paying attention.The Solution:
Unwanted conversation
I am painfully bad at avoiding/extricating myself from this one. I get sucked into all sorts of unwanted conversations about crazy political conspiracy theories, the annual budget for sports teams I don't care about, advanced scientific debates that I am woefully underprepared for and probing discussions about my breast health. One time, on a Greyhound bus ride to Seattle, I talked to a woman I didn't know for 7 hours about her divorce because I couldn't figure out how to end the conversation.
Generally, unwanted conversations happen unexpectedly, so there is very little you can do to avoid them.
The Solution: I have no idea; you tell me.
Responding to someone who isn't talking to you
The Solution: You have several options
i like becoming a Heavy Breather when around a close talker. like, moist heavy breathing. right on their faces. because their faces are SO EFFING CLOSE.
ReplyDeleteMade my way here from "say anything" and LOVING your blog! Your illustrations (and captions) are beyond funny!!
ReplyDeleteI think the last one with lighting yourself on fire might also be fitting for all of them.
ReplyDeleteI saw your interview on Say Anything and had to stop by. I knew you'd be funny since you like Mitch Hedberg. I think about that guy everytime I walk into a Target store.I think everyone could benefit from these strategies, but I'm not sure I could really lick a close talker. That might just be too much.
ReplyDeleteThat close-talker solution is funny as hell! Just burst out laughing. At work.Thanks :-/
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure the best way to get out of a conversation you don't want is smokebombs.
ReplyDeleteHahaha! I love your blog! :DI also get sucked into unwanted conversations all the time, and if only I was brave, I'd do something like this:*COUGH* .... *COUGH HACK eye twitch**mouth twitch*OH GOD, the voices, they're coming again... Aaaaeeeuuuuuurtgghhghgdshhrhhhhhrhrhrhhhhhhh... *go completely silent and stare in front of you until they leave you alone*Now doesn't that sound like a great solution?
ReplyDeleteWow. I about died laughing while reading this, and then I thought it was a good idea to grab an altoid (that was after reading the blog with my face way to close to the screen), and I continued to laugh. I then proceeded to swallow the recently ingested altoid. It burned all the way down. I again about died, and again due to laughing only this time an altoid was involved.
ReplyDeleteI have actually put my hand (well.. finger) on someone's face and pushed him off before. He was talking so close I couldn't even listen. I was only thinking.'Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.'Unfortunately, that caused a very long awkward pause in the conversation. To which I probably said something like, 'You were in my bubble.'The best way to get out of long one-sided conversations is to give unwanted advice at every turn. For example blah blah blah football stadium seating...blah blah. Cut him off and say, "You know what you should do!!! *pause (just to hear the delicate silence) then something like call team's manager and suggest yatta yatta about blah blah."Since of course this is something he should under no circumstances do or be able to do. He will certainly be stunned into silence. In that instance start humming to yourself loudly or gently sneak away (if possible). Also. Study the bitches... they are amazing at making conversations go their way.
ReplyDeletegetting out of a conversation: Just start talking about Jesus. (Unless they brought Him up).
ReplyDeleteThe 'keeping cool stuff under your trenchcoat' might not always work out that well.... at least for guys.
ReplyDeleteI love akward silences and I will usually do anything to make them last, like giving people crazy eyes. o_OWhen it comes to midgets I'd go for little people tripping over their own beards. When staring you could yell: "You blinked I win!". And then run.Close talkers can be scared away by going all personal space invader on them and getting even closer.Somehow I can turn every lame conversation into one about wieners or belly hair, that usually does the trick. =DAnd I love talking to people who aren't talking to me, I just smile and keep walking.Does this mean I'm socially akward?
ReplyDeletegetting out of a conversation? just make your eyes very wide, start breathing heavily out of your mouth and hold your hands up to your face like you have an invisible camera and start "photographing" them. Repeatedly. If this fails, just start screaming.
ReplyDeleteHere's a few methods for getting out of an unwanted conversation:THE DISTRACTION:Get nakedTHE CONFRONTATION:Drown out their inane yapping with shrieks of terror.PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SHUTDOWN:"Accidentally" spill something on them. Say "oops, sorry" then do it again.FLEE!Start fondling them and say "It's all good baby" like a creepy guy trying to be a knight in shining armor.
ReplyDeleteTo get out of unwanted conversation you start to say something and point and just walk away. For example, "Oh look, the kitchen...." and walk towards it. My dad has somehow mastered just simply walking away, and yet no one ever gets offended. I can't seem to pull that off yet.
ReplyDelete"Responding to someone who isn't talking to you"ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME...... X(
ReplyDeletePeople sometimes engage me in unwanted conversation and drone on and on for what seems like hours. I call these people "pathological talkers" because that's basically what they are. I haven't tried this stuff out on very many people, but I find that the following work pretty well:1 - Suck on your finger seductively and look directly at the talker. I have yet to encounter a pathological talker capable of telling me about their favorite sports team for more than three seconds while I do this. It probably looks strange because I'm a man, but I've gotten used to it and my foes have not.2 - Impersonate Gollum, in The Two Towers, when Faramir asks him "What did they steal?" and Gollum says "Myyyyy....PRECIOUSSSS! AGGGH!" I do this pretty well and people usually get scared and forget about their favorite sports team for at least a minute, which is enough time for me to sprint away.3 - Interject their long lectures with inane comments or jokes. I use keywords. Like, if the person mentioned the vending machines at the sports stadium where they went to see their favorite sports team play an important game/match/meet, I would tell all of Mitch Hedberg's jokes involving vending machines. This works best when the topic is incredibly serious and the pathological talker gets upset that you're telling jokes while they're talking about how sad they are about their recent breakup, which in retrospect makes me seem like a dickhead.
ReplyDeleteThe cure for the unwanted conversation: narcolepsy.
ReplyDeleteAlthough not radily available on command, letting a fart rip pretty diffuses any awkward silence or unwanted conversation. The kicker is that it's natural! So...it cancels out.
ReplyDeleteI am so going to lick the next person who stands too close to me while talking.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to your unwanted conversation problem, i know how to solve that one. All you need to do is bring up the most awkward conversation you ever had. It will instantly stop any unwanted conversation. I have found this method to work quite often.
ReplyDeleteThe solution for unwanted conversations is to tell them really seriously "I have vomit diarrhea."
ReplyDeleteI find that the easiest way to get out of unwanted/unpleasant conversation is to be myself. People can't tend to keep up with the greased-and-electrified-squirrel speed my brain moves, so everything comes out "non sequiter" to them if unchecked. Pretty easy to just let it go and appear to make less sense than anyone in history's ever made before. I think in all other situations, a heavy application of zany would be good enough? Just don't let it come back to pie, everyone will talk about pie.
ReplyDeleteI have a solution that solves all of these problems. I use it constantly. While the person is talking to you look over their shoulder with a funny look on your face like you don't know what to make of what you're seeing. When they turn to look walk away. By the time they turn around you're far enough away that you don't even have to see that hurt look on their face. ~Jason
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