It was almost unfair.
My powers have only grown since then, but all gifts come with great responsibility.
Boyfriend discovered my powers early on when he thought that he lost his wallet but actually it was just on the floor. Since then, he has grown to depend on me to find his things.
Yesterday, he was like "Allie, where are my keys?"
I didn't want to stop playing online bingo, so I was like "I don't know."
Boyfriend: "Allie. Find my keys."
Me: "No."
Boyfriend: "Yes."
Me: "No"
Boyfriend: *SUUUUUUUUUUUUPERRRRRRRRR SUUUUUULLLKKKKK!!!!*
Me: "OKAY!!!!"
Boyfriend: "Where are they?"
Me: "Have you checked the couch?"
Boyfriend: "OH MY GOD!! HOW DO YOU DO THAT????"
Me: "Shit."
I hate it when I'm right because this only reinforces the cycle of dependency:
This is a terrible dynamic because what happens if I fall off a boat and hit my head on a log and I go into a coma? Boyfriend won't be able to find anything and he'll die. I am not being helpful by letting him depend on me to find things for him.
You guys, I have to break the cycle.
I have to hide all of Boyfriend's things and then pretend like I don't know where they are.
Updates to follow.
UPDATE: I hid a bunch of things and when Boyfriend got home, I was all ready to be like "Do you need to brush your teeth? How about now? How about now? But really - how about now? Why don't you just brush them now... it'll save you time before bed..." and when he went to go brush his teeth I was going to be like "Oh no... where's your toothbrush?" But then Boyfriend was all "Meeeeeeeeeeeeh, I feel siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick..." and I couldn't do it because he is lying on the couch like this:
That's a disability. I too have the Brain Blindness. I can look right at the thing I am searching for and not recognise it as such. Think of yourself as his carer. Feel better now? No?
ReplyDeleteMaybe while you're searching for things you can try to find his dignity.
ReplyDeletei have this talent too, but it only works for finding other people's things. i lose my shit all the time and end up wondering aimlessly through my house mumbling to myself because my power can only be used to benefit others. it's really not fair.
ReplyDeleteYou are more powerful than Batman! ;D
ReplyDeleteI'm going to make my husband read this blog. He needs to know how dangerous his dependency on me is. He needs to know that if he keeps depending on me to find everything he could die. Heck, Allie, this is practically a public service announcement. ;)
ReplyDeleteI vote to have the "Yay" picture of Boyfriend & rainbow as a t-shirt. I'd totally buy one!
ReplyDeleteso you're saying boyfriend still hasn't brushed his teeth?? gross.
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend is a "loser" too. He lost his keys for 4 days and then realized they were on the hook specifically FOR the keys. Such a loser.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is my finder. I loose everything. When I was a kid and I would leave something important laying around my mother would take it and hide it. You can't do that to Boyfriend. It's mean to f*ck with people like that. He might not actually *DIE* but he would begin to doubt his sanity and probably have a hard time getting to work without those keys.
ReplyDeleteGreetings from Malaysia!Found your blog at sassy and followed right away:)Love your blog:)Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteI'm good at finding things, too. Lose the back of an earring somewhere in Person Who Just Got Married's backyard? I've got it. It was in the mulch!Every time I drop one of the balls to my earrings, I don't even sweat it because it just takes a couple of seconds to spot it.But when it comes to losing something big of my own, something that should be in plain sight? Can't find it until I'm looking for something else.Sometimes, this gift is a curse, you know?
ReplyDeleteMy BF does this too. I, however, do not possess your abilities. From now on, I'm going to tell him to call you when he can't find his crap.
ReplyDeleteI have that too but it's more of a super-awesome-memory. ExampleMom:"Have you seen my blue scrunchy?"Me: "It's under the right couch cushion next to the half eaten pretzel. I saw it last week while I was looking for the remote." Mom: "Holy shit!!! How did you remember that!?!?" Me: "I don't want to brag but I might be the most awesome person ever."
ReplyDeleteHahaha, bonus points for the Adam West-era-Batman action descriptions.
ReplyDeleteWait a sec...is Boyfriend ok? Hope so.
ReplyDeleteYou must be a Hufflepuff! They are especially good finders. (sorry. Major Harry Potter nerd crossing.)
ReplyDeleteFirst time here. Hilarious.Weirdly, boyfriend in last pic looks like Admiral Akbar, the lobster faced alien of "It's a TRAP!" fame in Return of the Jedi. Or that may just be me.Chuckles,SA.
ReplyDeleteAllie! you have no hair in your "boyfriend dependency life cycle" and it totally threw me off!I have to admit, though, I am a loser of all my shit and could really use your superpowers. Take today for example. I was running late to work and my super awesome and cute 18 month old decided my blackberry was trash. I could have really used you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but I you crack me up, girlfriend. These drawings are genius. Thanks for the laughs.
ReplyDeleteClearly I need to be less cheap and get a new pair of contacts because I was scrolling through this post in my reader and I could have sworn on everything I know (which is an effing lot, I'll tell you) that the cape on your fancy costume was moving. #freakout. I was all, oh sh*t did she just upgrade to animated .gifs on us?? --T
ReplyDeleteWell, now that we all know you're superpower, I think we're all going to become dependent on you for our survival.
ReplyDeleteI have a six-year-old boy and a forty-seven-year-old man-boy in my house and they both use me for my FIND skillz.
ReplyDeleteApparently, I too have been stricken with this abnormal seeking sense. Both kids and my husband cannot find a thing, even if it's OBVIOUSLY right there in front of them. Literally. What the hell????I like your idea about hiding things and not finding them on purpose. I am going to try this as a test and I'll let you know what happens.
ReplyDeletemaybe it's just a guy thing, where they lose everything they ever owned. I told my husband I was tired of looking for his lost stuff and wouldn't waste my time on it anymore. Didn't help him be more responsible...
ReplyDeleteLol, I have actually stolen the Super Sulk. It works great on men. :PBut I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one with super find-it powers. We Find-It Females must unite!
ReplyDelete