I HATE spiders. Spiders are like little pieces of death wrapped in scary. Even if a spider was like
I'd be all
Sometimes when I express the hatred and fear I feel when I think of spiders, someone will be like "But spiders have families too!!" Like somehow that will make me become sympathetic and understanding toward spiders. But that's exactly the point. Spiders have families and their families are also spiders. We should kill spiders because they have families.
When I was younger, my mom would say "Sweetie, don't be afraid. You are way bigger than a spider." Well guess what, mom? I'm bigger than a grenade too. Were you trying to raise me to be some sort of unconquerable war-machine that isn't even afraid of grenades? If you were trying to do that, you failed. I'm afraid of a lot of things that are smaller than me - like bees and wolverines and centipedes. I'm even kind of afraid of ants a little bit.
Spiders are fucking scary. That is a universal truth. I don't know why. I don't need to know why. All I know is that when this:
comes crawling across the floor at me, my brain interprets it like this:
That is a spider with a swastika and the words "I KILL YOU" carved into its flesh and it has knives and guns strapped to its legs. That's how scary spiders are.
P.S. I just saw a spider on my stairs and I tried to squish it but I missed and now I can't find it.
UPDATE: Remember how I was like "P.S. There was a spider on my stairs and I tried to squish it, but no"? IT WAS ON ME. At least I think it was the same spider. Maybe it was just a part of the other spider's clone army. I don't know. The point is that I was like "happyhappyunaware" and then I looked down and there was a big, black spider crawling on the couch next to me and I ran away yelling "getitgetitgetit!!!" because I'm super brave. Then Boyfriend was like "I know what would be a good idea! I should try to stab the spider with my knife!" and he pulled out his pocket knife and tried to stab the spider and he missed and the spider ran away and now there's a fucking spider in my couch.
UPDATE: Okay, this spider is a survivor. First, it escaped being crushed by me on the stairs. Then it got away when boyfriend was trying to stab it with a pocket knife and it ran behind the couch. Tip: don't try to stab spiders - squish instead:
Boyfriend and I tore the room up looking for it and we couldn't find it. Then, I looked up above me and there it was. On the ceiling. In a completely unreachable spot.
UPDATE: Now it has a friend.
UPDATE: Boyfriend just killed the spider's friend using a box of Samoas© Girl Scout cookies.
The original spider is still too high to reach. (You're welcome for the free advertising, Samoas©)
UPDATE: The spider has been slain. It was an epic battle. First, I made a spider-free island in the middle of the living room where I could watch the action while still being reasonably sure that I would not become part of it. Then Boyfriend made a long, poke-y weapon and he climbed up behind the couch and went in for the kill. The spider did not die easily and its death will probably be avenged in some fashion by its clone army, but for now it is gone.
Technially, women are genetically engineered to hate creepy crawly things. It's not you, it's your genes.
ReplyDeleteWhy do you have so many spiders in your house!?My childhood home used to have TONS of spiders because they had come with us from our previous spider-infested house in the moving boxes. Horrible. My dad used to put me on cobweb-busting duty. And then he and my brother would laugh at my hysterics. <3 family. .....
ReplyDeleteYou know; I haven't really had too many problems with spiders. I have, however had the same problem with a mosquito. He was flushed down the toilet and he came back. HE CAME BACK FOR ME! I was so freaked. He knew where i lived and he wanted me dead. I'll have to tell you the whole story some other time, but the mosquito wanted me dead.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog. Excellent.I'm the same way about spiders, but have a system to repel them(in my head this works...) when I successfully squish one (few and far between as typically I'm as far away as possible, but occasionally when I'm backed into a corner I have to just throw something at it and make a run for it and do hit one) I leave bits of it on the wall/ceiling/whatever to warn the other spiders that I will kick their asses. They don't have to know that they scare the shit out of me, they can just think in their nasty spider brains that I am a ruthless spider killer.
ReplyDeleteYou know what I do when I see a spider and I can't get to it fast enough and then it runs and hides like the evil bastard it is? I get out the vacuum with the long extension wand and I suck everywhere it could be. Those bitches get sucked up and then I WIN! (Great blog!)
ReplyDeleteYou're freaking awesome. I hate when people are all... "wahhh, don't kill spiders, they are living beings." BS! Spiders are freaking scary and I kill them before they can kill me. So grats to you for getting this out there. Keep up the good work!~Spider Assassin~
ReplyDeleteThe only reason spiders are saved from my wrath in my home is because spiders & cockroaches do not share space. Spiders present = no roaches. sold.
ReplyDeleteI have a back yard full of redback spiders. Wanna come and play at my house? I love it when they have hundreds of baby redbacks. You know they eat big fluffy Huntsmen spiders? Roar!
ReplyDeleteI decided long ago that this is what the hose attachment on the vacuum is for, since I am physically unable to squish anything. The thought of it just gives me the willies.I once went to start the shower (one of those tub/shower combos), and after I'd adjusted the water temperature, I reached up to aim the shower head away so the floor wouldn't get wet. I froze when I realized that on the wall next to my hand was a WOLF SPIDER. Those things are, in my mind, only slightly smaller than a tarantula - and they are evil and hairy and want to feast on my flesh. I yelled for my son to bring me the vacuum and I schlucked that thing right into oblivion. Out of sight, out of mind!
ReplyDeleteYou have the coolest blog I've ever read.
ReplyDeleteI agree with this, spiders are indeed scary. I've seen them jump from the ceiling right at someone. I've seen them descend from the ceiling on a web till they're hanging right in front of your face. I've rolled over hand had a spider right on my pillow with it's front legs up like it was getting ready to bite, I've had a spider crawl out between my wall and my bed only when it was dark, so when my parents turned on the light to look they thought i was lying at least till i got up the nerve to kill it myself and prove i wasn't, still it was STALKING me in the DARK!!And the worst experience I've had with them was one i found in the driveway, it was HUGE!! and when I stomped on it did it die? no way, instead hundreads of baby spiders came bursting out. they were everywere *shudders*
ReplyDeleteI CAN'T BELIEVE THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE THAT BELIEVES THAT SPIDERS HAVE OTHER SPIDERS AVENGE THEM WHEN THEY ARE KILLED! I thought it was only me. I now catch them in a glass, which merits even more panic than killing them (ohmygod ew ew ew ew ew AHHHHHHH ITS MOVING IN THE GLASS AND I SEE IT AND ONLY GLASS SEPARATES US). But I try to bargain with captive spider that it will live as long as it doesn't send its clones after me. Whew. I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteMy old roommate is also terrified of spiders. One day she managed to kill one that was on the wall. She then left it there, in all it's squished spider glory. When I asked her if she wanted me to clean it up, she said no. She was leaving him there to warn the others.
ReplyDeleteI always think of how it is bad luck to kill a spider in the house, and that helps me to trap and release. Maybe that would help?
ReplyDeleteThis is really hilarious! I feel exactly the same way except that you say it SO much better than I ever could, thank you!
ReplyDeleteTwo days ago, I pulled on my pants. Out of the bottom of the leg, came a spider. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! My friend sent me the link to this page. Thanks for knowing my pain.
ReplyDeleteHi! I'm 65 years old and I have looked at Spiders exactly the same way you do, and what's worse, I live in South Australia where the spiders are freaking HUGE!(Vomit now)Cheers, Framton
ReplyDeleteroflspiders
ReplyDeleteI can't kill spiders. I can't. I can't kill anything really.Well, I need to amend that. I can kill things that can hurt me. I live in Southern California... black widow spiders are everywhere here. Those, I can kill. However, most spiders I catch (in a cup) and bring outside, using my set-the-cup-down-tip-it-over-and-run-like-crazy-the-cup-can-wait-until-tomorrow release plan.Also- I don't understand what's so scary about hairy legs. I HATE the shiny, glossy spiders with long, spindly legs. They run faster than hairy ones! Tarantulas go slow!-LexieDi
ReplyDeletehee hee, just catching up with this one now. I actually love spiders, but laughed anyway. It's a relief to know I don't identify with EVERY post, that would be creepy.
ReplyDeleteIf at all possible, could you explain in detail how to make the spider vanquishing weapon? I have one that chases me around the house. Fred- not unlike Freddy Kruger- has been gooshed or killed some other way a whopping 19 times. It's only ever one spider, who looks exactly the same as the one previous, a few weeks or months apart. I'm ready to call an exorcist, but I'd like to try your methods first. Thanks in advance :)
ReplyDeleteReading this is like reading my own thoughts. I too have found the sneaky little bastards hiding in bed linens, etc. In fact, I recently killed a big hairy one under the toilet seat! Think about that one & see if you don't get nightmares. The only thing worse than seeing a spider is seeing it, & then NOT seeing it! Many sleepless nights are caused by this - lol!
ReplyDeleteDUDE. Spiders. Are definitely the scariest things ever. Like I'm pretty sure God made them JUST to kill me in the worst possible fashion. (or at least be my mortal enemy. Yours too apparently?)Anyways. After watching a Discovery channel program on spiders, I got to be more knowledgeable about them. I have this to say: They're only more creepy when you know them better.
ReplyDeleteI'm so terrified of spiders I can't even kill them. One day in my high school Non-Western Cultures class, we were all given a folded map. When I unfolded mine, the smallest spider I've ever seen started running around inside the map. I still screamed and threw the map on the floor in the middle of class.
ReplyDeleteI was staying at a hotel in Indonesia when in the morning I saw a spider the size of the palm of my hand, on the wall. It was pulsing up and down, and looked evil. I got on the phone, while watching it, to get someone to come to my room to remove it. As I was about to hang up the phone, the spider suddenly leapt at me from the wall about six feet away. Stunned, I was able to bat it away using the phone I still had in my hand. It landed on the desk and immediately charged towards me. I dropped the phone and picked up my shoes, Florsheims - patent leather uppers, hard wood-based soles. This time The Terminator (as I later nicknamed this spider) leapt off the desk and I swung a shoe at him. He stayed on the shoe and as I dropped it, he went inside. I stamped on the shoe - too slow! Now he was on my leg and heading North. I bashed my leg with the other shoe and on the second stirke took off two or three legs, and he fell to the floor and scuttled under the bed. Angry, partly dressed, limping and bleeding from where I had hit myself with my shoe, I charged the bed and flipped it over like it was a toy. The Terminator tried to escape but four hard blows later, it was over.At this point the housekeeping guys turned up at my door, and when I let them in, the scene of devastation in my room left them a little breathless.As they cleaned up the body and re-made the bed, I heard one say to the other "It was only a baby".
ReplyDelete