I haven't slept more than 5 hours in a night for over a week now and it's all because of one stupid bird that lives in a tree right outside my window. Here's a really shitty picture I drew of my house and the tree and the bird:
This arrangement is a problem because I'm nocturnal and I go to bed at 4:00 AM and the bird wakes up three hours later and starts making sounds like a retarded alarm clock because it's so excited to be a bird.
The bird wakes up every other animal in the world and then all the animals are like "Yaaaaaayyyy! We're animals and it's morning!"
It is completely unnecessary.
Sometimes I try to yell at them to get them to be quiet, but they're animals so they don't listen at all.
I just end up lying in my bed getting madder and madder at them until I'm not even sleepy anymore and then I get up and make coffee and try to remember to go to the store to buy earplugs but that never happens because I start playing online bingo or something and I forget and pretty soon it's nighttime and I'm like "Shit! I didn't go to the store!" and I go to bed secretly hoping that maybe all the animals will get really depressed and they won't feel the need to tell the world about how excited they are, but no. The moment there is even one fraction of a ray of sunshine in the sky, the bird is wide awake and ready to party.
P.S. It's Saturday, so I figured that I should probably post some Spaghatta Nadle. I only made two because my brain was like "MMMMMNNNNEEAAAAARGGGHHHH!!!!NOOOOOOOOOO!" And I don't even know if any of this is making sense because I'm so tired that I'm high.
I blame animals.
Lmao. I love your pictures.
ReplyDeleteAt least those animals are outside the house. I have a cat who likes to walk back and forth across my pillow in the wee hours and then pushes the mouse on my computer to wake my screen up as soon as my alarm goes off. He's the devil.
ReplyDeleteSo, Allie, you didn't mention the bears. Are the bears keeping you up too?
ReplyDeleteCount your blessings, Allie! When I was little I lived in a big city full of people, cars, and roosters. One of the roosters would be startled by a passing car at one o'clock in the morning and start crowing. That would set all the others off, and they wouldn't shut up until morning. EVERY NIGHT.Also, why do roosters "crow"? That doesn't make any sense.
ReplyDeleteDamn. There I was minding my own business, and one FB link-click later and I love you. Troublemaker.I am particularly amused by: "Here's a really shitty picture I drew of my house..." because it's different than your other drawings...how?(NB: I love your drawings too. Troublemaker.)
ReplyDeleteTotally understand you there. I think the animals get the crazies when spring comes. Like as soon as it's sunny for a couple of days they get together in their pre-season animal meeting and decide where their perfect perches are going to be to drive the humans bonkers. Animals are assholes.
ReplyDeleteThere are no words to describe how much of my favorite blog this is.And I understand. At around 4am, my kitten suddenly gets really excited to be alive and runs around and around the apartment making this growly noise. He doesn't listen to me when I tell him to STFU either.
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of sounding like a total creepy blog reader - why did you delete the early posts from your blog? I was half-way done reading the June 09 ones and *poof* now they're gone :(
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - I didn't have any posts in June 09... I started blogging July 10th. Maybe you just got to the end?
ReplyDeleteyou have like eleventy billion comments, and I don't have time to read through them all, so I have no idea if anyone suggested propping a giant box fan in your window? When I lived alone in a cockroach infested shoebox, my only window was on the second floor so close to a group of trees that the branches literally poked through my window. And these trees were like some sort of blue jay gated-community. Blue jays are loud and LOVE getting up before the sun ... So, after I got a noise complaint for screaming out my window at the birds (shamefully weird), I decided to prop a giant box fan into the window and turn it on full blast. It did an excellent job of drowning out the birds and keeping me oh' so cool when the cockroaches took residence in my a/c unit.
ReplyDeleteOh and that last pic is totally a pigeon, Or maybe a dove.
ReplyDelete*sigh* I feel your pain girl. My dog is all panting and banging on the side of the bed EveryFuckingMorning by 6am. Doesn't matter what day, how late I went to bed, if I have a hangover (hint: most of the time) or if the sun is out or not. She is UP and wants OUT. I might find out how much it would cost to just give her some damned thumbs
ReplyDeleteWhy buy earplugs when you could buy a shotgun? Those are way more effective!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I attract Riotous Roosters on vacations; in Mexico, they woke us even before my eyes could focus on the time--but it was before dawn.In Hawai'i, the fighting cocks being raised next door, despite being prisoners (tied by one leg to a small range of motion around their chicken condo) were very perky and happy before the sun came up.I. was. not.
ReplyDeleteThis is completely hilarious. "Yeaaaaaaaaaah! I'm a motherfuckin' squirrel!" is comic gold;)
ReplyDeleteDo you have any idea how bad I want the "Yeeeaaahhh!!!! I'm a motherfucking squirrel!!" on a t-shirt? I would pay, like, tens of dollars. It has made me laugh for days and I want to sport that shit on my chest.
ReplyDeleteJust wait til you own said animals and are trying to sleep and they're all:JUMPITY JUMPITY JUMPITYDANCEY DANCEY DANCEYWAPPITY WAPPITY WAPPITY(that last one was ears flopping)
ReplyDeleteOne two occasions I've been invaded by squirrels. Well, not so much me as my apartment, and really not so much my apartment as the attic, but alas...They made a home over my bedroom. At first they'd scurry away if I pounded on the ceiling. But when its 6am and I'm in bed I'm not really in the mood to find something tall and pokey, so I resorted to throwing whatever was in reach as hard as I could. That ended when my dictionary dented the ceiling.I also tried to kill one with a ponytail holder once [FAIL].And then I broke my butt.So birds, yeah, they suck. But squirrels are just furry little demons sent to create chaos in the world. (And by "the world" I mean "my life")
ReplyDeleteJust so you know, you have induced my highest, most sincere type of laughter, the kind that doesn't make a whole lot of noise, because I'm gasping for air, tearing up and clutching my chest due to delightful lung pain. By this measure, you are at least as funny as Christopher Guest, MST3K, Invader Zim, and Monty Python. Ow...my lungs.
ReplyDeleteI like your blogs. I am new to this site. I hope you also take a look at my blog if you have the time. feel free to leave a comment.
ReplyDeleteYou could get one of those environmental noise generators with bird sounds, which would either keep you awake all night, or make it so you're used to the sounds of birds chirping and you won't notice it any more.But if you find yourself turning the volume down to see if the damn thing is chirping outside, get help. :)PS your post is pretty funny, but then I'm weird.
ReplyDeleteI love this post so much I have tears in my eyes. I am laughing so hard. Thank you for making my stupid crappy day so much funnier. =) I really mean that. This is my favorite thing ever now.
ReplyDeleteI was at work and doing annoying manual labour stuff and the "I'm a motherfucking squirrel!" panel was floating around my brain and I was laughing aloud and people were looking at me weird.I would also pay money for that on a t-shirt. And I don't even like swearwords much.
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha this is perfect! This is exactly what those damn birds are saying! Especially chick-a-dees. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI'm reading your post from the most recent to the older (cause Its fucking long to start from the beggining each time... And I'm lazy) AND, I still don't know who or what is the Spaghatta Nadle... But yesterday I started talk like him. I blame you. But I like that :3
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